lazygeisha:

counsellorsuggestion:

lazygeisha:

counsellorsuggestion:

learning how not to fish for compliments can really help how you interact with others. here’s some common phrases i’ve noticed:

• “here’s my shitty art”
• “lol i’m so ugly in this selfie”
• “you’re so creative. i’m nowhere near as creative as you”
• “your writing is amazing! i wish mine was that good”

what all of these have in common is that they all involve putting yourself down. when you do that, those around you feel obligated to compliment you, which can make them feel frustrated that they have to just to be polite. not only that, but by talking yourself down you feel worse about yourself. the latter two phrases also centre your problems, distracting the attention from the person you’re trying to compliment. that often makes them feel bad!

here’s how to fix those phrases:

• “here’s my art”
• “selfie time!”
• “you’re so creative. how do you do it?”
• “your writing is amazing! do you have any tips?”

by cutting out the negativity, you make it so nobody feels obligated to compliment you. you’ll usually get more compliments this way because people don’t feel uncomfortable! the latter two phrases now also centre the artist and their knowledge. not only do they make the artist feel good, they also might score you some good advice.

this strategy will also help to boost your confidence in the long run. if you stop prefacing every compliment with negativity, you’ll be able to internalise them better.

I reread this several times, each time I became more and more upset. This post is slanted to wards the idea that everyone starts with the same level of self esteem and/or confidence, and that is in no way true. Those of us with little to no self esteem or confidence in our own work use that self deprecating language because that genuinely how we feel. We don’t feel as talented or as skilled at the our “peers”, something in our lives has broken us to the point where we can’t value ourselves or anything we produce. It’s not “fishing for compliments”, it’s “look, I made this, I feel no where near as good at this as others because I can’t value myself”. When I preface my offerings with “I’m pretty sure this is garbage” is NOT to have everyone fall all over themselves with “Oh no, it’s the best thing since..” if I was, I’d be stupid. Most things don’t get comments at all. It’s a declaration of “Look, I have no confidence in what I’ve done, but I still managed to find the courage to do it, to offer it to you, to bare myself to you despite feeling like a monkey could have done better.” I don’t demand people try and convince me whatever I’ve done is good. I’m not asking for compliments, what I’m asking for is just for you to realise that this is something I have to deal with, have managed to fight through, to offer you whatever it is. Don’t belittle us for something that we often can’t control, understand it’s the way we are and accept it.

yeah, i definitely wish i’d clarified in the original post. i was thinking about a person i know who really is fishing for compliments and it totally didn’t occur to me that this is a product of low self esteem too.

the thing is that your reasons for doing it don’t actually change the effect. whether you’re fishing or just feel bad, putting yourself down still makes others feel bad as well as reducing your own self confidence even further. insulting yourself is extremely, extremely destructive, and i think it’s flat-out dangerous to accept it and think of it as something you can’t stop doing. i’m still struggling with it too! it’s hard as hell. but it’s not an unbeatable monster, and i absolutely object to the idea of treating it like one.

my point still applies: be neutral instead of negative. you don’t have to talk yourself up, but definitely don’t talk yourself down.

I understand where you’re coming from, and yes, I agree it’s completely unhealthy for us to spiral in our self-negativity and push it on other people. Here’s the thing, though, we can’t stop it just because it makes other people uncomfortable. Believe me, if it were that easy to stop, no one would do it. No one is forcing anyone to read or view or comment on anything prefaced with “I know it sucks..”. I don’t ever feel that I owe someone a comment or a compliment unless I genuinely feel it or I think it warrants it, and I wouldn’t expect anyone else to do it. Is it unbeatable monster? No. But I doubt that if years of therapy can’t  prevent it, just saying “Well, just don’t do it” helps. It’s a mental illness like any other, telling someone with depression to stop being depressed because it makes others uncomfortable or we should just “cheer up” doesn’t work. I have empathy for anyone who feels their work is not good, so I will go out of my way to read it and if it IS good, tell them so. NO ONE is obligated to do the same. Don’t like to feel the negativity, don’t interact with it. It’s simple.