Author: somewhatavidreader

useless-shameless-pretty:

When Kunlun met Zeus, Zeus was in mood to talk, as usual.

“So then I saw this pretty little boy toy and I was like, I say! Mate! I have to get this little piece of arse or swallow the Styx trying!” boasted Zeus in his typically exuberant tones, while Kunlun politely sipped his tea and nodded his head to indicate that he’s listening.

Unfortunately.

“So I swooped down majestically from Olympus, and I turned myself into a golden-clawed eagle just for him. Can you imagine the divine favour?”

Kunlun, unfortunately, could. Deep in his heart, he cringed.

“And I walk up to him, all tall, dark and handsome, and caw at him in a manner that is clearly appreciative. And you know what he did? The little ingrate.”

Kunlun would rather not know, but felt he could make an educated guess.

Unfortunately.

“He jumped off a fucking cliff! There was a cliff in there, didn’t I say so before? So anyway, there was the cliff and that little shit just jumped off like there is no tomorrow. Instantly dead of course. So you see? See? How people can’t properly cherish good things in life anymore? We should just send a gigantic flood and be done with it, and start over, I’m telling you.”

Unfortunately you are, thought Kunlun, his face beautiful and immovable like white jade.

“Have you considered assuming a less threatening appearance?” he tried.

“Dude, really. Remember that Europa girl? I turned into this cute white bull for her and yet? She still wouldn’t put out. I’m telling you, mate, nice guys finish last.”

Deep in his heart, Kunlun regretted the Creation.

“Or that other time, I turned into golden rain, very classy, totally posh. Girls love those shiny things, eh? That Danaë chit actually dared to toddle off before the blood on the sheets dried out. So ungrateful.”

For a moment, Kunlun imagined a sea of blood covering Mount Olympus. It was a very gratifying sight.

“So what I’m trying to tell you, mate, is don’t just waffle around. Fuck that little demon boy already. I mean, you know he isn’t getting any younger, right? What are you waiting for? Want him to grow horns or something and get all wrinkly and shit? I’m telling you from experience, like one god to another: this isn’t worth it in the end!”

Deep in the mountains, there was a major earthquake.

“Thank you for you generous advice,” said Kunlun.

It was precisely at this moment that Little Ghost King chose to come back with one of his courting gifts. Blood splattered on the pristine stone mosaic, and a wounded three-headed hyaena gurgled its last breath.

“Whoa, mate! It’s some fucking kinky shit you got here, eh? Fucking kinky! But I’m not judging, man, never judging. A god has his needs, right? Right?”

Far away, an avalanche razed eighty one mountain valleys.

***

Inspired by c-novels discord. My canon for Zeus is like rich dudebro nice guy lol

Danaë, Europa and Ganymede are real myth, except none of them got to run away successfully (*)

terranaut:

For most of human history we have searched for our place in the cosmos. Who are we? What are we? We find that we inhabit an insignificant planet of a hum-drum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people. We make our world significant by the courage of our questions, and by the depth of our answers.
— Carl Sagan

Abandoned Futuro Houses – Wanli District, Taiwan – February 2015

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“Hello, pretty!” said Zhao Yunlan to the beauty in the tree.

useless-shameless-pretty:

“If you call me that again I will strangle you and feed your entrails to the village pigs when I finally break free from this barbaric eco-friendly prison,” said the beauty, Ye Zun. “But I am pretty, aren’t I?”
“The prettiest.” Zhao Yunlan nodded solemnly. 
“And yet you didn’t visit me for how long exactly? Was it a year? A hundred years? An ice age?”
“Two months,” admitted Zhao Yunlan. “But look, I brought you presents.”
“Ah, tribute,” sighed Ye Zun happily. “You may kneel.” 
“There’s is Apulian wine, imported mead, raw beef and my mother’s baozi. I didn’t know what you like.” 
“You think my righteous indignation can be appeased with a few dishes of indubitably mediocre human cuisine?”
“I will be sure to pass on your regards to my mother.”

Ye Zun hesitated. “What are you waiting for, then? I want my gifts. And do open the wine. I don’t have a corkscrew in here.”

Zhao Yunlan pushed a wicker basket towards the hollow of the tree. He had experimented with Ye Zun, and although he couldn’t pass through the cold blue flames of the barrier spell himself, apparently there was nothing that prevented him from pushing inanimate objects to the other side. 

When Ye Zun was done eating the baozi and sipping his mead, and started eyeing the raw meat covetously, Zhao Yunlan finally felt safe enough to think of a few neutral topics of conversation. 
“I was on a quest, you know,” he said. “I couldn’t visit you because I was busy saving innocent maidens.”
Ye Zun snorted. “I bet they didn’t stay innocent for long.”
“I wouldn’t know,” admitted Zhao Yunlan. “I was rather busy running away when I realised they’d had very little interest in being saved. They enjoyed living in the moors, they said. The oldest almost ate me. She actually got my horse”
“Running away? How dishonourable, sir knight.”
“We reached a mutually profitable arrangement,” anwered Zhao Yunlan modestly. 
“Who would have thought. You wouldn’t like my brother at all.”